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Brutally honest manual for servicing a man's self-esteem. Part IV. - The unbelievable is a reality

You may think that incessant praise of your partner is suspicious, even stereotypical, and not even educational. You may worry that if you overdo it, his self-esteem will rise like dough and you yourself will start to seem inadequate, incapable and clingy. You may delude yourself into thinking that it is therefore preferable to fish out certain experiences from your shared history in which the man has turned out to be a loser, an incompetent clutz, a bum or a wimp.


After several partners have run off without at least trying to replace love with friendship, and you hopefully understand why, you come to terms with the fact that praise is exactly the only and best strategy to conquer the fragile inner man under the (sometimes quite thin) shell of muscle. He will then finally be happy and feel psychologically safe by your side. He needs a sense of his own being needed and important to survive as much as he needs beer or organic antidepressants from hippopotamus adrenal glands, so an experienced woman will leave emancipation standing outside the door to her apartment and only allow it in on rare occasions and as a warning.


If you want to keep your partner, it is desirable to look clueless, even in situations that you could solve on your own. For example, you could call your partner from the fitting room of a boutique in the middle of a business meeting and urgently ask, "Honey, I found this new upscale store full of cute things and they have coats. Which one should I buy? A blue one or a grey one? I can't figure it out without you. They cost the same, but the blue one is like a more classic style and the grey one is like a more interesting fit..."


After a moment of silence, just after recovering from the shock and switching gears from analyzing the success of the company's strategy to the color of the buttons and the shape of the collars of the imaginary coats, the man usually responds that it doesn't matter (because he doesn't care either), that both are probably fine.

You then conclude out loud (this is crucial) that, in that case, you will buy both. And you thank him for his help.


At that moment, most men will urgently and without hesitation choose one of them, and they will still have a warm feeling that the situation (especially financial) came under control thanks to them.

Not every man reacts this way, however. The partner of morose man wouldn't buy any coats, because he immediately shouts at her over the phone that she already has so many coats that his only one won't fit in the wardrobe and he has to keep it in the trunk of his car. On another hand, the partner of a generous gentleman (lucky woman) would buy everything, because he would tell her to get as many coats as she wants and ask if he should increase the payments to her card for the next time.


In short, the natural-born diplomat asks her partner daily about his knowledgeable worldview, thanks him for helping her, and marvels at his superman skills, even though he is in some ways totally inept. It is, of course, crucial to avoid commenting on such unwelcome revelations in any way, even in passing. For if you point out your partner's shortcomings more than once a year in a hilarious, not seriously meant allegorical-satirical sketch on New Year's Eve, maybe even once a month, or (noooo, don't do that) every week, your partner's manhood will be in crisis. This will manifest itself in him becoming uncomfortable, anxious and angry, avoiding you at home if he comes home at all, falling asleep on the couch instead of in the shared bed, and only getting into the bed after he's made sure he can hear you snoring (cutely, of course). He will lose interest in sex and in communicating about anything together. He won't even be willing to talk about his (hated by you) cactus collection.


His ego won't function properly in your presence, and therefore neither will his libido.

If a healthy testosterone-charged man doesn't feel virile next to his female partner, being (however wittily and aptly) made fun of, berated, or even humiliated by open criticism, he may start to feel some of his essential components subject to immediate circumstances in the presence of another woman, and he most likely will, because his testosterone usually doesn't go anywhere, while his affection may. The one who will take it from you will be the sort of mean girl (when that happens, you'll find much more appropriate terms for her, even if she's your best friend, then all the more so) who not only won't knock him down, but will gaze at him intently and with interest, her eager mouth agape above her open cleavage, and she'll have appreciative exclamations ready for any prattle of his:

"I had no idea!"

"Really?!!!"

"Wow!"

"You are so smart!"

"That's crazy interesting!"

"I could listen to you all the time!"

"Incredible!"

"I just can't get enough!"

Well, and then she'll gobble up your partner and his (electric) car and account.

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