Every guy deservedly expects to receive sincere appreciation when he replaces a dripping heater, makes a new flower bed in the garden or buys a car. Heaven forbid a partner should limit herself to:
"Thanks for changing the heater."
Or the more biting version:
"Thank you for finally replacing the heater."
In case she's a fan of Chinese products:
"Thanks for getting that heater converted to photovoltaic, at least it'll keep our house warm for a few years in the middle of summer."
Or she might say:
"Thanks for plowing that flower bed. I thought I wasn't gonna plant anything this year because of you."
Or that she'd trample his expectations with an ironic:
"Thanks for the car. I've always been dying to have a (electric, hybrid, diesel, petrol) used car. How did you guess that?"
That wouldn't have worked. It is the sacred duty of the ideal partner to pay homage to her god and sing praises to him in high octaves. The higher in the whistle register you rehearse for this purpose, the more you'll be able to use it during your hysterical scenes. You must write lyric poems where the topic is him, all of him, or, as the case may be, only his body or his brain. Yes, the brain is by default a part of the body, but for the purposes of building your partner's self-esteem, it doesn't hurt to temporarily separate the two parts; after all, men often make such separations on their own for a certain reason.
Alternatively, the Song for a Real Man can be used
First stanza:
You're so handy!
Accept my explicit thanks that you are:
replacing the heater, buying a car, fixing the roof (work activity)
bringing big salary, quarterly bonuses, dividends (finance)
buying a new cell phone, a new roof (tangible assets)
Tony couldn't have done it.
"He surely could," the man remarks modestly.
However, you adamantly oppose him:
"Never, not like you!"
And you suggest that you won't consider any subsequent gentle initiating on your man's part as sexual harassment.
Tony can be replaced as needed by the name of any previous partner that your current other half knows about, or, which is even better, by a male from your vicinity that he is jealous of (for example, a neighbor). However, be careful - don't choose a name of someone he doesn't know at all, the conversation would start to dramatically evolve beyond its intended purpose and could end up resembling a police investigation.
Second stanza:
You are so strong,
since you can break the ground with that spade!
I tried it the other day
and the spade and I both fell over.
Third stanza:
That is such a beautiful car!
I don't mind the rust spots at all.
I just bought some pink butterfly stickers
and I didn't know where to stick them.
I'll patch the rust holes with them.
"Don't overdo it, I didn't do that much," the man admonishes you immediately, but what he means is:
"Tell me how great I am, and keep on exaggerating, and more, and more!"
And since you have long been able to read his mind, you continue smoothly:
"You always know what to do, that's what fascinates me about you."
"I've got it made with you"
"There are smart people who think they know it all, but they wouldn't change the heater, they wouldn't plow the flower bed, let alone buy me such a cool car!"
You suppress the intrusive thought that your man is also just a smart-ass and a know-it-all, and you apologize out loud that you haven't had time for him the last few days and that you're sorry. You omit that you're not even in the mood, because you are still not past the stage where he pretended that the dripping heater was still working and you could put a water bowl under it (indefinitely), claimed that a new flower bed would just be occupied by stupid flowers again instead of his beloved chili peppers, and that it would be shame to get another car because the old one still runs and you would immediately dent the new car while parking anyway.
Let the cries of praise gush out like an endless geyser, you'll see that the man will stick around. A man considers a woman smart, beautiful and desirable if she (at the very least pretends to) understands how great he is, and with such a woman he is happy to share his opinions, which he would normally tell only to the "guys" at work or in the pub. And he is happy to take her as his wife, so that he can enrich her with his valuable original wisdom officially, permanently and over and over again, which naturally each of us appreciates immensely and is the main reason why we live with a man :-)
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